Final Day

Well, my year as a stay at home mom is over. Just like the rest of my life, I'm left wondering, "where in the heck did the time go?" It seems like yesterday that I started my year off, and here I am... going back to work tomorrow. I thought I'd take this time to reflect on the goals I made at the beginning of my time off to see if I met them at all, and then add in a few thoughts here and there...

1. Workout/take a walk at least 5 days a week.
Well, this for sure didn't happen. I was doing pretty well at the beginning - really well for the first couple of months... and then I fell off the wagon and didn't get back on. The good news is that I still weigh less now than when I started my time off a year ago, so I guess that's something. I'll need to make sure I take a 15 minute lunch to walk the halls or outside and around the building or something just to get a little bit of exercise when I go back to work. It's important.

2. As I try making new recipes for the family, I will compile a recipe box so that by the end of the year, I'll have enough ideas for making dinners for the family when I go back to work.
I DID try out quite a few new recipes, and now I do have a bunch that I can use for crock pot meals so that I can have dinners ready when I get home from work. That part wasn't a total failure. I'm definitely less apprehensive about cooking now and much more willing to try to make new things. Squeak also now eats beef. While I'm not sure I can take credit for that one, it's great that she is expanding her horizons when it comes to food!

3. Have a book published. I'm not gonna lie - the years it took to write a book were extremely stressful and full of nights and weekends of writing and editing and writing and editing. Writing a professional resource book (or 4) is not something I would ever want to do again. However, I have several ideas for picture books and I'd love to get something published this next year. If I can continue to be productive and manage time wisely, I think I can make it happen.
Well, this didn't happen. However I am 50 pages into a memoir that I feel really good about. I'm confident that I will have it finished before the end of the school year. 

4. Start a successful business (More about this soon, I promise).
This was a complete bust. I trusted someone that I thought I knew really well, but after some red flags, some research, and a bit of professional investigating, I found out that things were not as they appeared. So glad I figured it out sooner rather than later. Some things are better left in the dust and uncovered! I'm not sure that I will ever start a business, or that I have any desire to for that matter.

5. Read 100 books (for me - Magic Tree House and picture books will not be counted here - however Young Adult DOES count). I've already read 4 (soon to be 5) in two weeks. I think this is do-able as well. Part of my reason for this goal is that when I return to work I want to be more familiar with books that my students are going to want to read so that I can be more prepared to help them with reader's advisory. I reached my goal of reading 100 books today! Just in time! I've done this before, but not while I had kids. So, reaching this goal is pretty significant. I feel like I've got some good current titles to recommend to my students, so that makes me happy :)

6. Lastly, I'd like to take a few road trips with the family :)
Other than going to Disney for a week (we flew) and spending 5 days in Bethany Beach, we didn't really do any road trips. However, we did spend a lot of time in the car visiting a ton of museums, monuments, and parks. Just this summer, the three kids and I went to 22 National Park sites and have plans to visit many more in the near future. Which brings me to my next series of long and short term goals...


Goals for the future

1. Visit all 417 National Parks/Sites/Monuments by the time Squeak is 18. This means visiting 394 more sites/parks in the next 13 years which averages out to around 30 parks a year. Doable. Though we are running out of "local" spots to visit. We are having to branch out to other locations around us. I'm still keeping the goal. We'll see what happens. 

2. Read 50 books this school year. So, between tomorrow, August 24, 2017 and June 15, 2018, my goal is to read at least 50 books. If I can read 100 books while being a stay at home mom, I'm going to guess I can read 50 as a working mom. 

3. Lastly, I still want to finish my book. My goal is to finish writing it this school year and then work on sending it out to agents this summer. :)


So, tomorrow I return to work. I feel like a completely different person from a year ago. My kids are growing up fast. I'm a little older. A little wiser, too (perhaps). I've read 100 books for myself and probably 1,000 (or more) books to my kids. I've learned to make meals, to be resourceful, to be patient, and to be kind. I've organized over 100 women to march for what is right. I've touched base with those I've missed - even if it was just through a phone call. I've done good deeds, I've kept my house in order and made sure meals were on the table. I've gone to bookclubs, yoga, and happy hours. I've been here to be part of every new milestone for each of my kids. I've watched Squeak transform from a 3 almost 4 year old into a young lady starting kindergarten. I've been on the receiving end of so many hugs, kisses, and love from my three babies. I've listened to squeals of delight as they've chased each other around the house, hiding under tables and behind furniture, and making messes. This year has been the hardest, most amazing thing I've ever done in my entire life. Some days were full of tears, some were full of joy. Some days I could barely get through and had to turn on the tv so I could lay on the couch and close my eyes for 10 minutes. Some days we explored all day and ate picnic lunches. No, I didn't get to do everything I hoped in the last year. But I did get to spend every single day with the people I love the most. Tomorrow is going to be a wonderful, but sad day. This has been the best year ever. While I'm sad to see it end, I'm excited to see what the future will bring. Hopefully some smiles, some laughs, lots of love. How lucky I've been! I didn't keep my goal of writing in this blog every day, but felt I needed one final entry for my time as a SAHM. I'm debating on whether or not to blog about books and other stuff in the near future. Your thoughts and suggestions are welcome! 

All three snuggled up in my lap for a book :)

5 FREE Storytimes for Kids in Maryland

Looking to get your kids out and about to do a little learning combined with some fun this summer? Here are some ideas for completely FREE storytimes and activities for your littles! I didn't include storytimes at local libraries because by now I think I have promoted them enough through my blog that you know of their existence. Please do check out the storytime schedule at your local library though - they are fabulous!

1. Read with a Ranger!
Check out Oxon Hill Farm National Park. Every 3rd Monday of the month, you can attend a free Ranger storytime with Ranger Steph. The storytime runs a full hour and includes stories, songs, and activities. https://www.nps.gov/oxhi/planyourvisit/calendar.htm

2. Storytime @ Whole Foods
The Columbia Whole Foods offers storytime at 10am every Tuesday for kids ages 2-5. Snack provided. Check out the schedule here:  http://www.wholefoodsmarket.com/service/story-time

3. Barnes & Noble Story Times
The one in Ellicott City offers story times at 11am every Monday and Thursday. Be sure and check out your local Barnes & Noble for more information. While you are there, sign your older child up for the summer reading program they offer so they can earn a free book! https://stores.barnesandnoble.com/store/2831

Thomas Isaac Log Cabin in Ellicott City, MD

4. Pirate Story time @ Urban Pirates
Come and enjoy storytime every Wednesday and Friday @9am from June21st - August 25th at Urban Pirates in Baltimore. After storytime, you can stay for the pirate cruise at a 25% discount! Check out their website for more information. http://www.urbanpirates.com/baltimore_storytime.html

5. Colonial Story time @ Thomas Isaac Log Cabin
Wouldn't your child love to be able to say they participated in a storytime in a real log cabin! You're in luck if you are in the Maryland area! The Thomas Isaac Log Cabin is offering free storytimes all summer (there's air conditioning, so no worries about the heat). The dates and times offered are: July 5 @10am, August 1 @9am, August 22 @10am, September 12 @9am, and September 27 @10am. These aren't publicized online, but if you want to call to confirm and get more details, here is the number 410-313-0419 for more information!

Day 282

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Places/Activities: Honestly, we've been so busy since Thursday that I haven't had much time to sit and relax and write the blog. Today is Monday, and we finally have some "down" time so I can write a little about yesterday. The twins are happily emptying out every. single. toy from their toy box, so I have a few moments to sit and type on my computer while occasionally looking up to make sure they aren't getting into too much trouble.

The day started off well. After some meltdowns before we went to the Colonial Market Fair at Banneker Park yesterday, Squeak woke up, put on a smile, made her bed, got washed and dressed, and was ready to start the day. This made the day start off so smoothly. Fingers crossed this behavior continues!

Today we got up and went to the zoo to have a meet up with 3 other twin mamas and their families. It was a lovely time - though I think Puff was the only super unhappy camper (please let these molars come in soon so we can be done with teething). These mamas traveled all the way from New York and Connecticut to visit with us at the Maryland Zoo. I feel pretty blessed and it was wonderful to have them be able to come down and visit. Next time, I'll be the one to pack up the kids and head up north! It just goes to show that friends can be made anywhere and from all walks of life. After we came home, the twins took a nap and Squeak and I left to go exploring while D washed her car and got in a workout. Squeak and I explored Historic Ellicott City as part of a Passport activity for summer. It was fabulous! She has asked me to read her the passport guide SO many times since getting it last Thursday. She is really into learning about historic places. I hope she continues to love history as she gets older. It took me a REALLY long time before I began to appreciate history, so seeing such an eagerness to learn in one so young is really encouraging. We learned about lots of neat stuff. I'll likely be posting another blog entry about that soon for fun summer activities just for those local to Howard County. I love being able to learn new things alongside Squeak! We were pretty tuckered when we got home and enjoyed an evening outside at the kiddie pool. D and I put our feet up while watching the littles play and splash in the little pool on the deck. Such a gorgeous day. I didn't want it to end.

Patapsco Female Institute. We got a free tour!

Patapsco Female Institute - inside.

Thomas Isaac Cabin - we pass by it all the time. Today we got to go inside!

Good Deeds: No good deeds today, other than making a purchase to support the Howard County Historical Society. I don't think I've ever spend so much on a coloring book before, but it was for a good cause and Squeak was excited to get it!

Reading:I'm almost finished my 82nd book, Jess, Chunk, and the Road Trip to Infinity by Kristin Elizabeth Clark. Click here if you want to see all the books I've read so far this year. It's pretty good, and I'm glad that I'm going to be getting in some YA reading before I return to work in the Fall! I need books to recommend to my kids!


Recipes: After we put the babies down for naps and before Squeak and I went exploring, I put together this Beef and Broccoli recipe from New Leaf Wellness for the crockpot. Holy smokes, did it turn out fabulously!! We loved it! Squeak even ate the meat (which is a total shocker). I think next time I might hold back a bit of the broccoli and wait until closer to the end to put that in - the kids weren't as fond of the broccoli this "cooked," but D and I LOVED it! Honestly, I think this beef and broccoli recipe was even better than what we've had from Chinese restaurants! I will definitely be making this again soon!

Random Thoughts: It's difficult to comprehend that my babies are closer now to two than to one and my oldest baby is almost five... I was holding Puff at bedtime tonight and she gets so snuggly now. For being one so strong willed and demanding, she is also the sweetest. She wraps her arms around my neck and rests her head to the side while I sing to her. When I'm done singing, I whisper sweet thoughts to her, and she mumbles sweet nothings in response. I've been taking a mental note so that I don't forget these wonderful times. I know they are numbered. D and I alternate putting the twins to bed so we each get our snuggle time with them both.

10 FREE Things to do with Kids this Summer!

I was going through my list of places I wanted to visit with the kids this summer, and I realized that there are a lot of fun things to keep us all occupied - many of them free! So, here's a list I put together of just the FREE things my kids and I are going to do this summer.

1. Build a Better World @ your library

We've already signed up for the summer reading program online for the summer. I really like the way Howard County Library sets up their program - everything is done online. Each time I read a book, I can log it online. After so many books, they receive entries for prizes they can earn at the end of the summer. Super easy and a nice way to keep your kids in books over the summer. Check out the program offerings, too! There are a lot of free weekly storytimes and programs at a library near you! Not only is there a summer reading program for youngstersand their siblings (newborn - high school), there's also a special program for adults, too! You'd better believe I'm logging in all the books I read!

2. Barnes and Noble Summer Reading Program

This is for students entering 1st grade up through 5th grade. Read some books, keep a log, and earn a FREE book at the end of the summer! Here's the link where you can download and print a reading log for your child to keep track of the books they read. Barnes and Noble Summer Reading

3. Tracks and Trails

This is a program I just recently found out about and Squeak is already SO excited to do it! It's free to sign up online and you earn prizes as you take walks/hikes and complete fun activities right in your own backyard! Help your child keep an online journal about the trails you explore and the things you see and do. Each journal entry and hike helps you earn badges that in turn will earn you real prizes such as a backpack, bandana, stickers, and more! Yes, it's TOTALLY FREE! Squeak can't wait to take her next adventure and is already expecting her first prize in the mail! Visit www.kidsinparks.com to open your free account and get started!


4. Every Kid in a Park program

This is for 4th grade students, and educators of 4th grade students only, but what an amazing deal. Your 4th grader is able to receive a FREE pass to any and all National Parks for the ENTIRE YEAR and for the ENTIRE FAMILY! Such a wonderful idea and program. Visit here for more information and to print out your pass!


5. National Parks Junior Ranger Program

Squeak is "sworn in" as a Junior Ranger

Visit a National Park ranger station, and request a Junior Ranger packet for your child. As you explore the park together, complete the packet. The packet will ask you specific questions about things you saw and explored together, and ask you to record your observations. This is great way for kids to stay on target through the summer with reading, and to get them excited about exploring nature. Before leaving the park, take your completed packet to the ranger station and receive your special certificate and park ranger badge! Click here for more information about National Parks in your area and to see if the Junior Ranger program is offered at a park near you (most of the parks have them)!

6. Kids Bowl Free

Kids bowl free at certain bowling alleys all summer long! You will need to register ahead of time, and adults will need to pay if you'd like to play, but what a great deal! Check it out at: https://www.kidsbowlfree.com to find a bowling alley near you and to register! Last I checked, the site was temporarily down, but I'm sure it will be back up and running in a jiffy!


7. IKEA Tuesdays

Kids eat free on Tuesdays at IKEA. So, wait for a rainy day and take the kids to IKEA. Drop them off at the Small Land to play in the ball pit while you shop in peace and quiet (though your non-potty trained kids will have to stay with you, so it might not be terribly quiet). Then swing back to get your kid and grab their free meal. Have a look at their menu before heading over. IKEA menu (scroll to bottom). A great deal!

8. Lego Workshops

Have a kid ages 6-12? If yes, then you are eligible to sign him or her up for the free monthly building workshops hosted by your local Lego store! I really want to take Squeak, but your child HAS to be 6 before they are able to attend. After you build your kit in the store, you get to take it home to keep! You'll need to be a Lego VIP member before you are able to register (don't worry, it's free to become a member). I'm sure the dragonfly is already booked for this month, but keep an eye out on their website for upcoming dates so you can register your child! Click here for the link. 

9. Home Depot Workshops

The first Saturday of each month, Home Depot offers a free kids workshop where your child can build a project to take home. I find these workshops to be excellent for teaching my kids about tools, how they can be used, learning to follow directions using a series of pictures, and to get their hands dirty. At the end of the workshop, your child will receive a special pin to place on their apron. Squeak is getting quite the collection already - it's rare that we miss a workshop! If you are interested in attending, be sure and register your child online ahead of time so Home Depot has enough time to order the correct number of kits they will need for the workshop. Wear clothes you don't mind getting dirty - the pain isn't washable! Click here to register for an upcoming workshop. 

10. BMA - Free Family Sundays

Squeak has been asking to go back to the Baltimore Museum of Art, and how can I say no? Fantastic artwork, a gorgeous space, and it's absolutely free! We travel to DC to take advantage of the free museums, but having some in Baltimore makes life so much easier! Each Sunday this summer, a free family activity will also be offered. So, be sure and take advantage! Here's a link to the website where you can view all of the activities planned. https://artbma.org/events/family.html

If you're still looking for some fun things to do this summer, I've been keeping track of places we've traveled and visited so far this year and have recorded them on the map below. Lots of good tips and links on the places marked!

Day 278

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Places/Activities: This morning I woke up early (4:15am) and got in a workout. I was pretty proud of myself for getting out of bed. I put up a calendar in the basement. Each time I work out, I can put a sticker on the calendar. Yep, even as an adult the sticker reward chart is still motivational for me. I made breakfast for me and D and got a jumpstart on the typical Thursday cleaning day by stripping and making our bed and throwing in some laundry. This morning I looked through a bunch of cookbooks and went through the blog to write down all the recipes I've shared this past year. I work much better from recipe cards. So, not that I'm just about caught up on recipe cards, I've begun meal planning for the next year. Yeah, you read that right. I'm meal planning for the next YEAR. Maybe not every single meal (because I'm sure there will be requests, or days that I just throw in the towel and get take out) but a good number of them. I'm looking for lunch ideas for me AND the kids... so if you have any, let me know! Anyway, after breakfast and meal planning, the twins and I ran a couple of errands. The rest of the day was spent reading books, and cooking! We had a friend join us for dinner, and my mom took Squeak to the aquarium this afternoon. A very busy day all around!

Good Deeds: A couple of small good deeds today... my mom recently gave me back my old laptop from my college days. Yeah, it's 17 years old or so. Kind of insane. And it still works. CRAZINESS! Anyway, I took it to Best Buy for recycling. At least that's one piece of electronics that I was able to keep out of the landfill. Every little bit helps, people! Not only that, they will also give you a receipt you can use for tax purposes. Not that I can write anything off for a 17 year old computer, but you might have some electronics lying around at your house you can donate. Just something to keep in mind. A few months ago, a friend of mine gave me some baby clothes for my boy and also some for another friend of mine. However, the clothes weren't quite the right size and season for my one friend, so I set them aside and just mailed them all to someone else I know that is expecting a boy! It's always nice when you can send and benefit from hand me down clothing!

Reading: while working out this morning, I listened to the second season of the Serial podcast. I'm very behind. While I don't foresee enjoying season 2 as much as season 1, I'm already pretty sucked in with the first episode! Not too long ago, I saw that Daniel Handler posted that librarians could write a note to his agent and receive a free advance reading copy of his newest novel. So, I wrote a note and a few days later, it arrived. I have to say, it's not what I was expecting - although the title should have been a big clue! Yeah, it's pretty dirty. It's also a little sad, and even though Cole disgusted me a bit, I couldn't help but feel sad for him. He seemed truly lost and I don't know that he ever found his way. A book with a lot of teen angst, though due to its pornographic nature, I couldn't recommend it for teens to read. Definitely for mature adult audiences only.


Recipes:I was SO busy in the kitchen today! I started by making two portions of Easy Crock Pot Chicken Catcciatore by New Leaf Wellness. I made one batch and put it right in the crock pot for dinner tonight, and then I made a second batch to freeze in a bag and cook later. This was actually REALLY good! I was fairly traumatized by this dish as a child when my parents forced me to eat it, but I really like this recipe, a lot! It was a hit with the kids and our dinner guest as well. We will definitely be making this again. I also liked that the prep was really super easy. I realized that the freezer was getting a little low on breakfast food, so I restocked on pumpkin pancakes and two different kinds of banana muffins. We should be good to go now for a while!

Random Thoughts: I wish that I could always stay motivated to wake up at 4:15am. I can get so much more accomplished in the day! I feel as though I could conquer the world! And then 12:30pm rolls around, and I have to drink some iced tea to give myself a boost to make it through the rest of the day. And here it is, barely 9pm and I'm ready to crawl in bed. Sigh. And with that, I bid you good night!

Day 259

Friday, May 19, 2017

Places/Activities: I finished teaching my online class - YAY! I enjoy online teaching, but I'm always so relieved when it's finished for the semester. It's amazing how much more time I have now! We've been keeping busy - though not as many sight-seeing type activities lately. Squeak had her dance recital and also her final school Spring concert. I got to check out Squeaker's new school at a Kindergarten meeting - such exiting times ahead! Back at Christmas, one of the requests Squeaker had was a volcano. I had set the volcano aside and kind of forgot about it, but then brought it out this week for she and I to do together. She really enjoys painting. We set it aside to dry and will likely do the "lava" part very soon! We've also been enjoying the lovely weather and spend most of our afternoons soaking up the sun on the deck. The kids really like the water table. I know they will be even more excited to play in the pool this year than they were last year!

Amazon Affiliate Link above

Reading: I'm currently reading The Industries of the Future by Alec Ross. I figure if he's running for Governor, I should probably learn a little bit more about who he is and what he's about. It's rather informative so far. He seems like an extremely well educated guy with lots of interesting ideas. That has to get him some points.


Random Thoughts: When I was young, I remember my mom and I spending time visiting my great aunts and uncles quite frequently. It might not seem like "fun" for a little kid to spend most of a Saturday sitting on a couch "visiting," but it was good for me. An opportunity to learn more about my family, to be appreciative of the things we had, and to be respectful to my elders. So many of my great aunts and uncles never had children of their own. To some this translated to not liking children much at all, and to others, it meant that I would receive an outpouring of affection when I walked through the door. All of them had one thing in common - cats and/or dogs. In fact, I always looked forward to visiting my Aunt Irma in particular, because I knew she would have a crazy cat story to tell me. She pronounced "meow" as "mow" and called me Dan-elle - putting a pause between the Dan and the Elle and leaving out the "i" (ee sound) altogether. She was sweet in her own way. There are many stories to tell here from those days, but I only share this snippet for one reason. The seemingly endless days I spent visiting with my family as I grew up taught me that there doesn't need to be a special occasion to drop in and say hi to a friend. Just walking through the door or picking up the phone to check in on someone might just be the bright spot to their day, their week, or even their month. Today we paid a random visit to a friend we haven't seen in a while, and I'm so glad we did. Hopefully my littles will see that the random phone call, message, or visit can really go a long way in someone's day, month, or year.

It takes approximately 3.5 min. for the room to go from clean to this...

Day 245

Friday, May 5, 2017

Sleeping on the stroll.

Places/Activities: I've been terrible about blogging and about my drawing a day. At this rate I'm hoping I can reach 200 drawings for the year and finish out my year as a stay at home mom with just 1 blog a week! On Sunday we took the kids to our favorite Farmer's Market and walked around listening to music and looking at the various herbs and things that were for sale. I even bought a four pack of mead (which is SO good). You can learn more about Charm City Meadworks here. We had a berry coconut that was SO good. I checked, but they aren't even advertising it on their website it's so new. So if you want some, you'll have to go direct to the market or meadworks!

After the market, we went to Fort McHenry and walked around. It was an overcast day, but the kids were excited to get out and run around. I can't remember most of what went on this week, just that we were busy. I have also been doing grading for the class I've been teaching, so that has taken a large chunk of my time. Wednesday we had our backsplash installed as well as the hall painted and I'm super thrilled with how everything turned out. I couldn't be happier. It was a little tough because we couldn't really be on the first floor while they were working, so the twins and I went out to the park and ran a couple of errands just to get out. They are getting pretty good at navigating around places, which is awesome and makes life so much easier. Although I did end up carrying both of them back to the van afterward because it takes forever to hold their hands and have them walk. They are very distractable and Bear likes to cut in front of me, so it was just easier to toss one on each hip and walk. Let me tell you - I STILL have yet to master the art of doing this gracefully. Thankfully they are both extremely tolerant of me and my clumsy/ungraceful ways.

I don't know about you, but this does NOT look comfortable to me!

Squeak had her dance pictures this week. It took a while, but I think I've mastered the "art of the bun." I mean, with some help from Remington's Perfect Bun (affiliate link). That thing was a miracle worker for me! I know that librarians are stereotyped as having glasses on a chain and a bun (I have neither) but I had no idea such an invention existed. Squeak was super excited with her bun and to have her pictures taken. Personally, I'm glad to see dance coming to a close for the year. I'm tired of the weekly runs to dance class (though I love the library trips the twins and I take while Squeak is in class). Yesterday we took a nice long walk on the trail (both toddlers fell asleep) and I got most of the cleaning accomplished. I feel completely drained this week and yet it doesn't seem like I did all that much. I've been doing a little bit of writing and I'd like to continue that in the coming weeks and through the summer. Maybe one day something will come of it!

They are always pretty happy... especially when up to no good!

Reading: I haven't started on any new books since bookclub last Saturday night. As soon as this grad class is finished, I'll have more time for books and drawing (I hope).

Final inspection. LOL.

Random Thoughts: On our visit to Ft. McHenry, we didn't take the stroller out and instead let all three kids walk the paved path. I was a little nervous just because the twins like to run and the seawall doesn't have a railing or anything up, so it's VERY easy to fall in the water there. Pop used to take me there all the time when I was little. It was one of his favorite places.  I'll never forget how he would hop over the seawall to pick up a piece of debris off the rocks that he found of interest. Or how we would both hop over and go exploring to the nearby nature area. We did get in trouble from a ranger once or twice. He told me stories about how when he was a kid, all of the items on display in Ft. McHenry were still authentic (not replicas) and how the cannons were the originals and weren't filled in with concrete. He and his friends used to play there all the time and he said there were a number of occasions when a kid would get stuck in the cannons and the fire department had to be called to have the kid pulled out.  Even after I grew up, I still frequently went to Fort McHenry - sometimes with Pop, sometimes without. Sometimes we would run into each other there - not knowing that the other was planning a visit on the same day. It's coming up on his death date and his birthday soon, and even though he's always on my mind, I find that May brings in thoughts of all things related to Pop. Sometimes when my kids make a face, or sit quietly to look at a book, they make me think of him. I wish he could have met them. I know he would have loved them just as much as he loved me - maybe even more.